Hunee – Sand Days
Found this the other day while looking through an old external hard drive. I have no idea when I wrote this or why. Seems like probably ’03 or ’04? Pretty weird.
The Ninja Turtles Have Apparently Fallen on Hard Times
Thanks for your letter. We don’t get many these days, especially after that thing at the mall opening. I’m sure you heard about it- a little kid wearing a Foot Clan suit jumped on stage and tried to grab the mike away from Raphael- it was a publicity stunt that we didn’t know about, and Raph had been on a bender for like, five, six days at that point. He didn’t know up from down. Fortunately, the little kid was a fan, so when he started walking again, we took him for a ride in the Turtle van and let him comb the lice out of Splinter’s fur. Settled out of court. Anyway.
So, you wanted to know what we’ve been up to? I’ll start with Donatello, since he’s doing the best, comparatively. He’s living in Ohio now, near Cleveland. Married a nice girl he met at a Mensa meeting- looks a hell of a lot like April if you ask me- and they’ve got a little one on the way, due about June or so. I got an email greeting card from him the other day, and he says he’s making good money endorsing a brand of tooth-whiteners made from diatomaceous earth and bleach. I might go in for it; depending on if this thing with the Home Shopping Network falls through (I have my own brand of knives now! Tell your mom to buy some!). He dropped the lawsuit against me, finally, so I think things are straight between us now.
Raphael, the last we heard of him, was going to Japan, pending an offer he had received where he was to be paid like ¥6 quadrillion per pound of his own flesh he was willing to part with. He had been out of rehab for about three months prior to that, and he was doing well- going to groups, practicing with his sais again, and you know, being cool but crude. The operation that removed his amygdala seemed to help with the rage-tantrums. Then one day he stumbled onto Michaelangelo’s cooking vanilla, and BOOM, fell off the wagon in a bad way. For while, he was trying to ferment his own urine, and Splinter and I just decided enough was enough, and kicked him out of the lair. Tough love, but it had to happen. He stabbed me twice in the neck and took a shit on the floor before leaving.
Michaelangelo…wow, this is hard. You remember how he was really into pizza? Like, really, really into it? I don’t know how old you are Kevin, so I’m going to skirt around the specifics here. Sometimes people like things so much that they’re willing to trade something very dear to them for that thing that they like a lot. Sometimes the thing they trade is a part of their body, you know? Oftentimes this is done with other turtles, but in Michaelangelo’s case, it’s just as often not. He ‘lives’ in a shelter down on Canal Street. For a while there, he was shacked up with some delivery guy from Papa John’s, but I think that was only for the summer. I blame myself for it really. I knew, when I married April, that he was in love with her. Know this, Kevin: it is far too tempting, in an older brother way, to make noisy love to your wife every night when you know your youngest brother is lying in the next bedroom, possibly masturbating. What I did was wrong. I kicked him when he was down, and we haven’t spoken directly to each other in six years.
So I guess that brings us to me. And Splinter too, I suppose. You might as well know now- the old man’s on his way out. All he does is sit in his kimono (which does not cover up as much as it used to, let me say that) and watch re-runs of Dukes of Hazard. Likes those new milk and cereal bars for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He’s blind as fuck now, and he stinks. Outlook not so good. He still has his motor coordination, at the very least.
April divorced me last year, as you may or may not know. She ran off with one of her cameramen. Wrote me a letter and told me that I “wasn’t who she married”, and that she couldn’t stand to touch my shell anymore. Yeah right. Bipedal bitch was a gold-digger anyway. I loved her so much. Went through a bad patch right afterwards though- started cutting myself with my kitanas- until Splinter walked in on me one day (when he was still sighted) and made me smoke 12 cartons of unfiltered Pall Malls instead. I didn’t know the significance at the time- that he was already in the grip of senility – but I trusted my sensei, and made it out of that dark tunnel all right.
So yeah. Good luck with school. Please find enclosed a free paring knife from my collection, autographed by me and Splinter (his signature is the one that looks like a square mounting a circle). In lieu of saying ‘cowabunga’, here’s some free advice: pay someone to watch your money. You won’t regret it.
[Buy Bobos Alone in Paradise]