On the 4th of July, will you be boating on a lake of sunscreen with Don Henley? Perhaps you will celebrate the birth of the U.S. by calmly and grimly drinking a gross of beers, composed of three equal parts of Bud Light, Coors Light, and Natural Light. Hold that sparkler over your heart when the anthem plays. Remain in full sun until your skin obtains the texture of pemmican. Someone has grilled a round meat with molten yellow atop it: celebrate. Enjoy the holiday, lapse into oblivion.